My Life Is Buffering

I’ve been feeling completely awful lately, not just physically but mentally too. I cant do anything anymore. I have no motivation. And when i sit and do nothing i get so mad at myself for doing nothing but I CANT STOP. I hate this feeling so much. Im just so empty. In Silver Linings Playbook, Tiffany makes a comment about how she gives and gives and gives to everyone and never gets anything in return, which leaves her empty. I dont know i just have been feeling like this a lot lately. Am i depressed? Or am i just unmotivated and lazy? Even hanging out with my friends doesnt make me happy anymore. Well..it makes me laugh most of the time and smile, but underneath it all im still just empty. Will i always be this way? Am i destined for a life full of this frustration and sadness?

Jul 8
Empty

I hate feeling this way. I just can’t be happy. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Sure, i smile and laugh and act normal but sometimes it’s really hard. How can no one see that i’m falling apart? I just want someone there to just KNOW that i’m crushed on the inside (for no apparent reason) and just hug me. I dont need them to tell me it’s gonna get better because no one really knows if it will, but i just want someone to tell me that it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. Or all the time. Or whatever. All i feel right now is the want to run away. It’s scary to think that once i get a little money how willing i would be to just leave. I cant stand it here. Sometimes i wonder if this is how my whole life is going to be? And if it is going to be like this, is it really worth it? I mean no one really loves me do they? I dont think so. Sure, they enjoy my company or HAVE to love me because we’re family. But no one really CRAVES me. No one would die for me. And would i die for anyone else? I think so. I think i’d give my life for others around me. Especially my friends. Theyre all going big places and where am i going? I feel like im stuck in one place while everyone is moving forward. And its so frustrating because I KNOW that i can be moving forward with them but im just frozen. Im wasting so much time and time is my life. I need to stop being so afraid to LIVE. I dont know why other peoples opinions matter to me so much but i cant seem to do anything without thinking of what other people will think of me. I mean what is wrong with me? Its MY life. So i should choose what i do and shouldnt pay attention to others opinions right? Its just not that easy for me though. Im so afraid of being judged. Even by people ill never see again. WHY DOES IT MATTER SO MUCH.

Jul 2
Running

I just can’t open up to people. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Am i afraid of people knowing too much about me? Afraid i’ll get hurt? I just don’t get why as soon as i start getting close to someone this wall goes up automatically & i push the person away as far as i can. Opening up to someone gives me anxiety and i don’t know why. I’ve never been hurt before, i don’t have a tragic past, i live a good life & should be able to form relationships & be happy. Right? So why am i not able to do either of those things? I don’t understand why i can’t just get close tto people. I literally don’t know how & whenever someone tries to get to know me i pick out every single one of their flaws & end up disgusted with them. Am i really that afraid of being vulnerable?

Jul 2
Fear

So tonight I had some people over at my house. Ryan and Amy showed up first and of course Ryan was taking turns snuggling with both of us. I know hes totally kidding about it, so why do i get jealous when he toys around with other girls? Am i really that much of an attention whore? Or do i actually somewhere deep deep down have feelings for him? I dont know why I keep thinking that he’ll actually text me one of these days and completely confess how he secretly likes me but THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. He’s practically in love with Jackie (my bestfriend) and I think she may have some feelings for him too. I dont think i actually have feelings for him, but that i’m just lonely. It honestly made my heart ache when he kissed my arm though. Like what the hell is wrong with me? He is 100% joking about this whole thing and if he ever found out that i overthink what he does so much then he’d probably freak out and never talk to me again. And that would suck because honestly he’s one of my closest friends. I just don’t get him at all sometimes. Honestly, this is why I don’t get involved with people at all. Ever. People=feelings=confusion=getting hurt.
Sometimes i wish i was a robot. I could just have one purpose and not have to deal with emotions/feelings. Feelings are what makes life worth living, right? So why am i so afraid of them?

Jun 21
Walking Contradiction

It’s really depressing that society has taught girls to hate themselves if they aren’t in a relationship by the time they’re 13. I mean, i’ve been feeling prettttyyy damn shitty about myself considering i’ve been single the whole 16 years i’ve been alive. I mean, no one has even fucking kissed me. People younger than me are having sex and i havent even been kissed ON THE CHEEK. I just feel rreally embarrassed about it all the time, even though i know i shouldn’t. Or should i? I mean i dont know it feels like there’s something wrong with me. Like do i have permanent boy repellant on? Is it like bug spray but ‘boy spray’? I just don’t get it. Am I unable to form emotional bonds? Maybe that’s the problem. I do distance myself from people but i have close friends and stuff, so what’s so different about having a boyfriend? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

Jun 11
I Am Boy Repellant

So I’ve been sitting at my laptop, staring at this blank text box, for about 20 minutes wondering how I could start this everlasting blog, and then I remembered I have no followers. I can say whatever the hell I want without anyone knowing. I mean of course this will be on the internet forever, because even when you delete things on the internet, they’re still there forever….etc. etc. etc. I think that’s kind of the point of this though. A perfect stranger could end up reading my posts, and maybe just that one stranger knowing is enough. The fact that a complete stranger has the ability to know my innermost thoughts is kind of comforting. It’s just nice to know that someone out there will listen (and by listen I mean read this). And maybe no one will ever read this, and I think that’s okay too. I mean I’ve never really been one to care about popularity. I can just pretend that there’s someone out there who cares enough to listen. But that’s not the point of this blog. The point is to just get my life out of my head and onto something else, even if it’s on a blog that no one ever sees. Well I suppose I should introduce myself now. My name is Rachel and I’m 16 years old living in the suburbs of Chicago with my mom, dad, and sister, Nikki, who is 18 and leaves for college at the end of this summer. My sister is my mother’s favorite child (no matter how many times she denies it). I think my dad likes my sister and I equally, but he feels like he has to be a little nicer to me because my mom hates me so much (I’m kind of a smart ass). I’m going to be a junior next year (taking 3 AP classes woo! -_-) and I’m quitting volleyball. In case you didn’t realize from the AP classes comment, I’m basically a nerd. It’s okay though because I’ve accepted it pretty much. (I skipped a year of math too). Well my life is not exciting at all and I have no idea what I want to do in the future, besides wanting to travel. And ironically, you obviously can’t travel without money, which means I need to figure out my future before I can do what I really want. Well I think that’s enough of my boring life for one night. If anyone actually reads this, don’t be shy! I’m always willing to talk about my mundane existence or just talk if you need someone. Okay well I’ll probably be posting close to every day, not really sure yet. Alright well thank you for reading this? If anyone even is? Ok bye, since I suck at conclusions.

Jun 10
Is There Someone Out There?